Even though my first daughter was a big surprise, I was lucky in that my husband couldnât have been more delighted. He wanted kids, maybe even more than I did. Of course, now Iâm the one to do all the parenting while he pretends something pressing is occurring on his phone, but I digress.
We both felt ready three years later to try for a second one. Maybe itâs because heâs Chinese and heâs always wanted a family, so I got off easy. But I know from my other friends it can be difficult to convince your husband to share your love.
Your relationship needs to be strong and you both need to be ready to handle a tiny little person who will keep you up at night for a good three months solid. Letâs just say itâs a good thing babies are so cute. In any event, if you want to convince him to make a bundle of joy, youâd better think these things through.
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Does He Want Kids?
Ideally, before you married him, you hopefully had a discussion about how you envisioned your future. If he was adamant that he didnât want kids, itâs foolish to think heâll change now. But if he said he wanted them, then itâs fair game to approach him about the topic.
Listen To Him Completely
Your husband might want kids but might not feel ready for them. This is where you engage him in a productive conversation that involves listening to his feelings. Do not interrupt. Respond to what heâs said in kindness and with logic after heâs finished sharing. Screaming and crying is not going to get you your way.
When discussing this topic with him, it shouldnât be just about his feelings though. The key is to listen to him without objecting or judgment. Then itâs your turn to share your fears. If you want your marriage to be successful in every aspect, you must learn to listen to each other with respect, even if you disagree with each other.
Warm Him Up
In your first year of marriage, you should be enjoying each other. But if youâre around the age of 35, you donât have tons of time to wait around. Assuming heâs told you he wants to be a father, you can drop subtle hints that make him think about how great it will be.
An example of this is my friend Kate whose husband wasnât opposed to kids but he kept hemming and hawing about them, largely because he was an only child and heâd never really spent time with kids. They happened to go to a company ball game (they met working in the same big corporation) and she said it would be so cool to teach their future children how to knock one out of the park and dress them in Yankees attire (his favorite team). Needless to say, thatâs all it took for her to convince him to go for it.
Keep Your Relationship Strong
Every family needs a solid foundation. Build up the strength between you two as a married couple first. If you already have one child and your husband is edgy about having another, keep the family unit strong together and enjoy each other. If he feels things are surefooted, heâll likely want to add to the clan.
Spend Time With Friends With Kids
Sometimes, his hesitation has nothing to do with money or lack of wanting kids. Itâs his own fear holding him back. He might be afraid he wonât know what to do. If youâve had the talk with him, hopefully, he shared his full feelings with you. Being afraid you wonât do a good job as a parent happens to ALL of us, believe me.
This is important:
What you can do about that is spend time with your friends that have kids or perhaps any nieces and nephews. My best advice here though is to avoid being around poorly-behaved children if you can help it. Having him help you watch a child thatâs more exhausting than Dennis the Menace himself might send you both running for the hills.
Convincing Him The Second Time Around
If youâve already had one child and have been wanting another, youâre going to need to have the talk a second time. He might be happy with how life is, or if youâve suffered a miscarriage or stillborn, it could make him less eager to try.
Men internalize these things too, and while it happened in your body, itâs still something painful for him. He feels like a failure that he did something wrong or didnât do enough to bring that baby into the world.
Again, a frank conversation is always best, even the second time around. But do bear in mind, you shouldnât even utter a word about it until enough time has passed that your OB/GYN feels it is safe for you to try again.
Things You Should Never Do
There are some things a woman should never do to get her way, especially when it comes to making babies. Youâre talking about bringing another life into the world, not getting him to buy you more jewelry. This is big!
- Donât skip your birth control
If youâre on the pill, it might be tempting to âforgetâ to take your pills. If you have a diaphragm, donât poke holes in it. Heâll never trust you again and youâll run the risk of losing him. Unless youâre committed to raising this baby all on your own, donât drive him away with deceit.
- Donât talk about babies with every breath you take
Itâs one thing to sit down and have a discussion about having a baby. Itâs quite another to nag him incessantly about it. If heâs resistant to the idea of starting a family right now, perhaps due to money concerns or waiting for a promotion heâs working on at his job, circle back to the topic a little later on.
- Donât make ultimatums
And last, of all the thing you should never do if you want to convince your husband to have a baby (first, second, third, or beyond), is giving out ultimatums. This is not a terrorist situation. Both of you need to be in agreement and if you pull this card, you may find yourself alone or in a miserable marriage for years.
A baby changes everything. Marriage does too. Itâs not all romance and flowers. It takes work and you wonât always see eye to eye. Knowing how to talk to each other and really listen is the key to making it last, and the key to getting him to start a family with you.