Confession: sometimes I don’t enjoy being a mom. Mom is the person who has all the hard roles around the house, so when I feel overwhelmed, I hate being a mom and wife. I don’t like being a mom sometimes, but not all the time.
Just like I don’t like my hair color, sometimes. Or how my makeup looks, sometimes. In other words, I don’t hate it all the time.
But boy, when those moments of hating mom life pop up, things seem more miserable, don’t they?
So, you’re here because you’re wondering if it’s normal to hate this mom and wife life. And I’m here to tell you that yes, it is, and plenty more to help you through this rough patch.
Is it normal to hate being a mom?
YES! In fact, I’d think something was wrong with you if you didn’t tell me you hated being a mom from time to time. I hate it most when we’re at the doctor’s, and I’m waiting to find out what’s wrong. I hate it when my kids scream and fight, and no one listens.
I hate it when I just want to sit down and put my feet up for 5 whole uninterrupted minutes, and NO ONE will just let me be.
The younger your kids are, the harder it is. It does get easier, though, but harder in different ways.
It’s normal to hate being a mom at times. But when that happens, identify those emotions so you can step away from them.
We all have different feelings, so I hope to help you figure out where this is coming from.
If you feel like you have no support, as many of us (myself included) do, then you may resent your role as wife and mom. This is so important in the newborn stage with your child, but it is also crucial as they get bigger. When you feel like you’re an island in the middle of the Pacific with no ships passing anywhere in sight, you feel alone, and like you’re the only one there.
Some of you may never have wanted kids but decided to keep the baby after you got pregnant. Maybe it was an accident, or maybe it was pressure from your culture, spouse, or family. You’re not a bad mom for feeling like this, though it can build up inside you, so you will want to most certainly talk these feelings out so you can feel like yourself.
I’ve heard from mamas that they are having problems in their marriages. They’re fighting, separating, or divorcing. Relationships are hard, and when they feel like they’re falling apart, it may make you feel like you have no support too.
Perhaps you feel like you have no time to yourself to be yourself and that you’re losing your identity. And that’s why I’ve been talking about that mom break lately. You’ve got to take it for your own sanity!
Other moms have challenges that come up beyond their control that they must control. For example, one of my friends had a scare with her son and a tumor. Thankfully, it was benign, but the whole situation was so stressful for her.
Another friend of mine’s teenage son ran away. And yet another had to pull her kid from school and put her child in a special program because of his behavior. They all had one thing in common – they hated at those moments when they were moms.
Whatever is going on, it is normal to hate being a mom and wife at times. Likely if you think about it, you do not hate it all the time. The key to resolving this is finding out where this comes from so you can tackle it head-on.
Is it normal not to like your child?
Look, we all dislike our kids from time to time, which is normal. When my youngest starts whining over something absolutely ridiculous like the sprinkles on her hot fudge sundae, you better believe I do not like her. But I love her to pieces with all her faults. She loves me for all my faults too.
The fact is ALL of us can be annoying and difficult at times.
But if you dislike your child all the time, there’s a reason for it. Again, you’ll have to play detective to figure out why because each situation is different.
You should first acknowledge those feelings and find the cause of them. Then as you manage your child’s expectations, you should also be getting to know them better. Spending some one-on-one time can help you build that bond and help you work through the problems you’re having.
You may likely see that you don’t like your child, but instead, you just never had the proper chance to build that bond together.
What to do when you don’t want to be a mom anymore?
Have you ever seen the movie Very Bad Things? It is a really dark comedy, but it has Cameron Diaz. Worth watching! Anyway, in the end, she runs out into the street of the suburban neighborhood she’s in, screaming because she can’t take it anymore. Why? Oh, well, now you need to watch it tonight and find out.
Anyway, please know that when you feel like this:
- You’re not alone, and…
- You’re not a bad person for having these thoughts.
Now that you know that, I beg you, please ask for help from your family and friends when you feel like this. You are not weak for the asking. You are not less of a mom for the asking. We ALL need help sometimes, yes, even me. I have gotten to dark points in my life, and the only way out is to ask. We put on such a perfect image that no one realizes something is wrong.
Then you should be specific about what you need. If chores are making you nuts, ask if someone can come to help you for an afternoon. If you can afford it, hire someone for that.
Need a break from the kids? YES, you do! Take one. Ask the grandparents, your siblings, another relative, or friends if your husband can’t do it to take the kids off your hands for a bit. I guarantee if you start prioritizing your mental health, you’re going to hate being a wife and mom so much less.
Also, stop comparing yourself to that mom you think is perfect in the school drop-off line or at the park. I was guilty of it too, and others have done the same to me. We are all fighting on the same team, ladies. Please be kind to one another. You never know what they are going through.
That mom I thought was perfect? Her mom was in hospice and dying a horrible death while her husband was off boinking his secretary. She looked well-manicured and perfect because she was trying to make herself better because it was something she could control.
I found this out when I volunteered at a school event and saw her crying in the bathroom. Even though she’s since moved away, we still stay in touch. I always use this as an example of throwing out that Mean Girl mentality and showing some kindness.
And that goes with my next point…you are not perfect. None of us are. None of us ever will be. So stop it! Stop using some stupid measuring stick you think you should live up to. We all shout at our kids from time to time. We all make the wrong choices and have to deal with the fallout. Give yourself a break, please. Dust yourself off and pick yourself back up again.
Above all, I want to leave you with this…please get professional help if this keeps dominating your life. If you can’t get out of the mindset that you hate being a mom, you can talk to someone about it. Look in your local area for interning therapists as they may offer free or sliding scale payment options, so you don’t have to worry about the cost. You can also find those services online so you can do them in the privacy of your home.
However, you do it. Talking to someone about these feelings is bound to help, especially if you can’t figure out why you have them.
And new mamas, please, your hormones are bonkers right now. Please tell your doctor because he or she can help you out of the hole you feel like you fell into. You’re worth it, and you deserve it. Stay strong, mamas! You’ve got this!
Leslie Berry lives with her husband and two young daughters in Los Altos, California where she loves helping other moms get comfortable with motherhood and embracing the insanity with facts peppered with laughs. She loves eating too much sushi, exercise, and jamming out on her Fender.