When your bestie is pregnant, you may feel extreme joy like you’re expecting yourself. Or you may be in the camp that my best friend is pregnant, and I’m sad. I hope what I have to say here helps all of you when your best friend is having a baby.
Years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest, I lived abroad. I called my best friend, who was excited for me. A month later, I got a call from her. My best friend is pregnant!
She and her husband hadn’t been trying for a baby though they hadn’t actively been trying to avoid it either. So, we got to go through our first pregnancies together.
Other friends of ours were not happy, though. I now know they weren’t in a good space, and I’d like to help you if that’s how you’re feeling.
Why am I upset that my friend is pregnant?
If your bestie is pregnant, but you’ve been struggling to have a baby of your own, it is easy and very natural to feel envious. You are not a wrong person or bad friend for having these feelings. These are YOUR feelings, and you are entitled to them.
You feel this way because it feels like a loss to you.
Roughly 10% of women have infertility issues. That affects around 12% to 15% of couples. Infertility is classified as when you cannot naturally conceive within the span of a year of actively having unprotected sex. Over the age of 35, that timeframe shortens to 6 months rather than a year.
Most of these issues are caused by ovulation troubles on the women’s side, though it can also be caused by the sperm’s size, shape, or motility.
When you’re young and vibrant, it’s hard to comprehend these difficulties. Until we either experience them first-hand ourselves or someone supremely close to us goes through it.
So, if you are upset your bestie is pregnant, perhaps it is a bit of envy on your part. If you haven’t had any luck yet, it’s easy to feel sad because it isn’t happening to you too. And it is ok to have that moment and grieve with these feelings. It really is.
What to do if your best friend is pregnant?
Well, I’ll say this… she’s your best friend. And she needs you. And if you are best friends, it stands to reason that you share your most intimate thoughts with her.
If you’ve been struggling to get pregnant, but she made it look easy, she likely knows this is hard for you. Open the dialogue and let her know you are happy for her but that you feel sad for yourself.
Your friendship will continue to grow and thrive when you are honest in this way. She will know that it’s hard for you but that you love her and are happy for her. And she will help you work through that while you, in turn, support her with love and happiness for her success.
Think of it like a job. What if your bestie got a massive promotion at her job, but you didn’t? You would indeed feel a bit envious, but you’d be so happy that your best friend had something amazing happen to her.
What do you say to your pregnant best friend?
When we go through life with all its ups and downs, what do we want to know from the people that we are closest to? Again, this is where you tell her you are happy for her, assuming she’s been trying to get pregnant (and if not, then you can be there for her as she mulls over the options).
But don’t minimize your feelings either. It’s ok to wish it was happening to you too. If you are truly best friends, you will be able to tell her you’re happy she’s pregnant though you’re sad you aren’t. And you’ll hold each other up and be there for each other because that is what best friends do.
What to get my best friend who is having a baby?
Now this good news is a great time to get a gift for your pregnant bestie. But the focus here should be something that is just for her. I’ve recently posted on what you can do with a pregnant friend. Though, a gift that’s just for her is nice too. Think a gift certificate to a spa, a gift basket full of beauty products, maternity clothes, a pregnancy pillow, or a special keepsake type of thing like a photo frame.
There really are so many wonderful things you can get your best friend who is having a baby. No matter your budget, simply think of what would put a smile on her face. Excluding alcoholic beverages, of course!
My best friend is pregnant, and I’m infertile:
I know women that were in this exact situation. Some of them did fertility treatments with success. Another one had cancer when she was younger and thankfully beat it. But it made it impossible for her to have a baby herself. She adopted.
It is so hard, and while I can’t pretend to know what it feels like first-hand, my heart is with you. Your best friend will go through changes that you’re not going to experience, at least not readily.
You’ll start noticing she can’t stay up late and gab on the phone with you because she’s exhausted. And meeting for drinks at your favorite bar will have to wait until after she has this baby.
She’s developing an identity as a parent, all while you are not. And I get that this must be a painful thing.
But there’s something significant here you both need to realize. You are your own individual people. She may be consumed with these changes happening to her, but once she has that child, she will be struggling to be herself, not some boob slave for the baby.
Still, it will be a difficult time in your relationship since you are struggling to feel happy for her but feeling sad about your situation. And then the changes that will come in your relationship with her.
I’m here to tell you this is perfectly normal to have these opposing feelings all at once. I recommend you make a list of what you value most about your friendship with her. Maybe she is always there for you and cheering you on in life. This is something worth holding onto. We all grow and change in many ways in our lives. A true best friend will still be just that even when everything in your life changes.
Plenty of friendships survives the trials and tribulations of going through motherhood. If this is a friendship built to last, it will survive the apocalypse.
It might be worth talking to a counselor about your feelings and working through them. They are valid, but you shouldn’t hold it against your friend if you are infertile. It isn’t her fault that she was able to have a baby. A professional can help you sort out your feelings and help positively direct you.
Leslie Berry lives with her husband and two young daughters in Los Altos, California, where she loves helping other moms get comfortable with motherhood and embracing the insanity with facts peppered with laughs.
